10 Signs You Dress Like A Hipster
Hipster this. Hipster that. It seems anything and everything not considered "mainstream" has become "hipster." What the hell does it mean anymore? Beyond the stereotypical person in thick-rimmed glasses, skinny jeans, and v-neck T-shirts, is hipster fashion a recognizable thing?
Well of course! The difference is that irony and pretension have simply been overshadowed by self-deprecation and self-awareness. It seems everyone is in on the joke these days—not just jealous alt bros who never got laid by that tattooed chick or hardcore nerds who never quite "got it." From notions of "individuality" to beard maintenance, here are 10 Signs You Dress Like A Hipster.
10. No one looks like you when you leave your neighborhood.
Here's the thing about "individuality." Somewhere out there, people are also into the very same things you are. It happened 30 years ago in downtown New York, it happened when Basquiat was throwing SAMO tags up in SoHo and Glenn O'Brien was having Klaus Nomi perform on his public access TV show. Decades before that, jazz cats were rubbing shoulders with each other. Real has always recognized real, and they've tended to congregate in similar areas. Stylish enclaves like Williamsburg, Silver Lake, and Wicker Park are no different. However, once you trek outside those familiar spaces, skinny jeans and spectator shoes become more of an aberration than a sign of normalcy—and you start to realize that so-called "regular" people don't take to designer pieces and clothes that actually fit in the same way that you do. You'll also find it infinitely harder to find a slice of gluten-free pizza with soy cheese.
9. Nothing you own can be found at a mall.
You pride yourself on the fact that your wardrobe is made up of equal parts vintage (thank you, Brooklyn Flea), with pops of designer labels (thank you, sample sales), and some covetable streetwear snapbacks and T-shirts to balance it all out (thank you, Hypebeast forums). You like to think your personal style can't be classified, and the truth is—it can't. Which is why people are quick to label your hodgepodge outfit with a pejorative. Whatever. They can have American Eagle and Forever21. Leave those Zara scraps for the peasants and know-nothings. You're not the one in baggy jeans and square-toed loafers.
8. It takes you longer to comb your beard than your hair.
Whatever your reasons for growing a beard, one universal truth is that facial hair can be an absolute bitch to maintain. If you're the kind of dude that gets groomed at The Blind Barber or Freeman's Sporting Club, chances are you moved on from the urban lumberjack trend years ago and now favor mixing up a little tailored gear with your rugged flannels and well-worn selvedge jeans. No one can pull off the "blazer with beat-up Red Wing boots" look in the same way you can. Bonus points if you prefer importing Proraso over whatever inferior product they stock at the corner bodega.
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7. You wear really nice clothes but have no actual job.
Every morning you suit up in a fresh sportcoat from Ralph Lauren, Engineered Garments, or Thom Browne. Underneath you slip on a crisp pair of Dior or Nudie jeans. But, you can't decide if you wanna go with brogues, Jordans, or Margiela sneakers today. Deciding which shoes to wear actually comprises 30 minutes of your morning routine. And then, when you're finally suited and booted, you jet off to work—which is actually the coffee shop down the street, where you divide your time between applying for odd jobs on Craigslist and writing "freelance" (because you don't get paid) articles for Thought Catalog.
6. You and your girlfriend look like a lesbian couple.
When people catch you in their peripheral vision, people often say "sorry miss." Except you're totally a dude. We understand, every other fucking guy has a side part now thanks to Don Draper and Jimmy Darmody, and you've been growing it out ever since. After all, now that the Biebs is opting for a shorter 'do, the mop top is slowly on its way back as a rebellious coiff. Your girl doesn't seem to mind, she actually kind of likes it. Except when you guys head to a bar—you in your gray Glen plaid suit, worn-in Chuck Taylors, and cashmere scarf, and her in a Proenza Schouler dress with coordinating PS1 bag and Isabel Marant sneakers, you're pretty much a doppelganger for Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi.
5. You have seven varsity jackets, but have never made the team in your life.
No matter how many Golden Bear and Supreme varsity jackets you accrue, you'll never get over the fact that you were cut from the team like a cheesy song by Taking Back Sunday. In fact, when you think about high school, you remember singing along to boy bands and emo music more than actually spending time at practice. Coach may have never seen your true potential, but you did find him on Twitter the other day. He only had 32 followers, the poor sap.
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4. You know multiple ways to tie a scarf.
Look, there's nothing wrong with scarves. Plenty of our favorite rappers wear themregularly. We suppose the hipster association came along when the keffiyeh became a trend, and everyone from Kanye West to Rachel Ray was rocking one. But screw that, you know that when it's brick city outside, they're just a practical accessory. They literally protect your neck, and add that certain je ne sais quoi when worn under a sportcoat or topcoat like a boss, like Al Capone.
3. Your sense of irony is stronger than your moral fiber.
Maybe you managed to get a Christmas sweater featuring a caricature of Dutch folkloric figure Zwarte Piet, or perhaps you snagged a conical nón lá hat during a trip to Ho Chi Minh City. We get it—you're cultured. But, you become so sidetracked by an item's novelty and quirkiness that you forget all about context. You might think these items give you character, but they actually make you look like a racist. If you happen to be a minority, you actually have it worse. Then, your race becomes your most prominent accessory. "Oh? You're black and you love The Smiths? How novel. You must love Bad Brains too then right?!"
2. Every other subculture threw up on your wardrobe.
You appreciate skateboard culture, so you got a Supreme five-panel. You dig Bob Marley, so you rock a mesh shirt underneath your rumpled oxford cloth buttondown—because your dad raised you on Brooks Brothers. You discovered The Ramones in high school and haven't stopped rocking a Schott Perfecto ever since. Your love for Kid Cudi and Kanye West are what put you up on Dior denim, so you put that over your Rick Owens sneakers, which you heard about from A$AP Rocky. If your closet was an album, it would be by Girl Talk. Your entire style is a mash-up; you throw whatever together and manage to look half-decent in it.
1. You have an eBay alert for your childhood.
Decades ago, mom refused to drop dough on that Washington Bullets Starter jacket. Now, you've got the Internet. Everything you were denied as a child—Nike Terminators, a Goosebumps snapback, and that Ken Griffey Jr. Mariners throwback jersey you've lusted after since 1996—all of it is for the taking! Now, when you walk down the street, you are Nostalgia, Ultra. See the haters try to look you in the eye through your vintage Cazals. They're really just jealous. No other guy thought about rocking a Power Glove as an accessory until they saw you do it.
